I can't stop

thinking about the possibility of taking a client right now. :O

I have been behaving today as if it is fall- I cleaned and cooked dinner in time for it to be ready right when DH got home, as well as about SIX batches of cookies. I'm on batch # 5 right now and I might get two more out of what's left, but one at the very least. I love to bake in the fall, I love to knit, and bake, and create things. My birthday is coming in October, my favorite month of the year. Halloween, my favorite holiday. Maybe after I wean E I'll get a tattoo related to Halloween.

I am feeling pretty well, life is resuming to normal again at least for me. I guess it never shifted for the kids. I am still having trouble sleeping periodically. It sucks to wake up and know that whatever your head is doing is just stupid and not real but it FEELS real so you can't help but react to it. I get irritated with myself, as if I'm a second person there who's bothering me... hahaha How weird does that sound? I know it doesn't make sense, I know no-one is there, but I can't shake the feeling of violation and invasion and it keeps me up at night. The boys stayed over with my aunt on Friday and I thought for sure I'd get great sleep but I didn't, I still kept thinking someone was there. *sigh*

Visualizing laying lines of henna calms me and it does help me fall asleep but I can't always do it. I also do a meditation I read in Miracle of Mindfulness where you breathe in, count one, breathe out, count one, breathe in, count two, breathe out, count two -- all the way to ten, and then you could back to one again. I can get to between 4-7 doing this meditation usually. Other times I just get distracted and bored with it and forget to continue. LOL It's self-care though and it takes practice, I am sure that this night time anxiety won't last forever.

We saw the therapist for N yesterday and she said that she was amazed at how courageously we're handling our neighbors, facing them and addressing the issues head on. Honestly nothing else ever occurred to us, this was the only way we would have considered handling it. I think ignoring it or pretending it didn't happen would be FAR more tortuous than facing it.

I'm not angry when I see my neighbor anymore. I feel bad about being angry at her now. Oh well, it was a stage I needed to go through, and I did.

oops, forgot to set the timer on the cookies!

Just had...

... someone contact me about doula services, she's due in April/May. Eidie will be about 20 months or so. Is that too soon?? I don't know. I'm going to talk with my new partner about it, her baby is the same age. We have to see if we're ready to work yet or not.

Eeek!!! I'm meant for this work... I'm meant to do this work... I know this because I am consistently provided opportunities to do it...

Woo woo!

Friends

A really good friend of mine recently moved, and while it's been probably a year since I've seen her (or more?) I just find myself to be really happy for her, but really sad for me. She never got to see Eidie, despite our efforts with our busy schedules to get together, and now she's so far away.

We met when I was 20, pregnant with my first baby, on a bulletin board online (that puts us at almost 12 years of knowing each other!). We got together with other board-mamas who were local and we've been good friends ever since. She baby sat my oldest for a while when I worked in Seattle, and she was there for us when I was put on bedrest during my second pregnancy. She's been such a part of my life, someone who I could call after months of not talking because of life being busy, and ask if I could sleep on her futon because I was attending a birth near her and needed to just break and sleep. There was never any pressure with her, and she's so damn funny and surprising. She always has something to give the people around her and is so genuine and loving... I am so sad she's gone! I hope that I can come and visit her when she's settled in, I've never been to the state where she's living now and I think it would be fun to travel there. I'm sad that our kids aren't going to grow up being good friends but that was happening anyway, we just had such a hard time seeing each other.

It hits me and it seems like I shouldn't be so sad because it's been so long since we've seen each other, but I'm partly sad that I took it such for granted that I could see her 'whenever' we could make it work, rather than working harder to be in her wonderful light.

KF, don't be a stranger. :) I love you!

I almost feel high

I don't know if it's the contrast of the terrible lows we've had lately, but I almost feel high right now. I am not struggling to get through the day. I am sleeping (as well as my kids will let me, anyway!), I am eating. I have lost a little weight but I'm not gonna cry about that. ;) I don't have anxiety when I come home or when I leave. I do feel a touch when I see my neighbors but that will pass with time. The thing is, I can't just teleport us to a new life so that we can avoid the hardships here, we just have to muck through them. I have to just be patient.

It's been a month today since the shit hit the fan. What an emotional and taxing journey it's been! I relish in feeling grounded when I thought I never would again. I relish in feeling trust again, and relaxed.

One thing I forgot to post about the day of my therapy appointment. I was talking with my brother's ex (his THIRD baby's mother), C. She originally had met my dad when she first got clean and was fresh out of a long term and abusive relationship (so yeah, very vulnerable, that's how he likes them) and they slept together once before she realized how sick it all was and bailed. My brother pursued her (okay I'm so not even going there) and they had a baby together. Well apparently while my dad was courting C he admitted to her in detail that he abused me and what happened.

Blew me back a little. I thought I might fall apart in righteous vindication and affirmation! But I didn't. I just was very shocked and I thought, "That's right, fucker!" He KNEW of course he did, but he has consistently LIED to everyone about what he remembered (or didn't.. *snort*) and now I have my vindication. Sometimes I feel sorry for him because he can never escape it. I never anticipated it but telling everyone has made sure that it's always there, like the giant elephant in the room that no one acknowledges, but everyone knows is there and walks around it. So anytime he has a new relationship or there's a family function, it comes up. Sometimes I think that has to be really overwhelming and suffocating but then on the other hand I think, he sure didn't think all that when he was abusing me, he just did what he wanted. And maybe he's not going after kids anymore, but he perpetrating against women younger than his own daughters who are as vulnerable as they could possibly be. I figure that's the next best thing to a kid who can't fight you off or who is easily confused. Not to dismiss their responsibility; they are adults after all, but we all make different decisions when we're clear and objective than we do when we're in the dark pits of our own personal hell.

So I wanted to write about this but boy it makes me feel like an ego maniac... I'll just write it anyway, I have sworn not to hide from these things any longer, or shove them to the back and write only about surface stuff.

I've met a couple of women who are really challenging me. I am not even sure how to word this. I've met a couple of women with personalities as equally strong as mine, who are really cool, grounded women, but have me assessing in BIG ways, who it is I think I am. I think I've grown too cocky. I think I'm to settled in the way I do things as being the 'right' way or the 'best' way. These women, (and they don't even know it), I interact with them and I have to be FULLY in myself and present, shifting my intentions like the sand, just little slides here and there. I'm so freaking captivated by this... this is new ground. I have to admit, not getting to settle in my 'role' of the strongest person, strongest personality, etc., is unsettling. I want to say I don't like it but I really do like it.. I like it a lot. I recognize that I've learned somewhere along the way to stop talking and listen and HEAR, and that is something I have to do a LOT in my exchanges with these women. One I have many interactions with, and one I've only spoken to once but I know we'll speak again. I honestly feel like I don't have the words to describe this, it's kind of funny... but I want to try. I just feel like you know, daily life, you have certain interactions with certain people and they vary but you know where you are and where they are and the ground between you is well worn. These two women, when we talk, we're hacking machetes through jungles every single time, at least *I* am. It's completely new ground.
Ack I know this isn't explaining what I want to explain and it's probably because I'm not saying it all...

I am scared of saying the wrong thing, scared to be taken the wrong way. I sense this power that one of them has that I felt immediately, was something I didn't have, and I felt a little threatened by it. No, I feel a lot threatened by it. Just re-reading and adding in that I found someone who I felt was "bigger" than I am. That's really odd and scary for some reason! My best friend and I, we're "big", people have a hard time taking us all in sometimes because we're just big... big energy, big personality, etc. I've never met anyone EVER who in her own grounded way (and without dominating me, or taking anything from me, but just standing firmly in herself), had me feeling... smaller. ;) It's really like I said, captivating! It makes me want to be around her and we've never even met yet.

The other person has such a lovely heart and wonderful intentions but I experience her to be controlling and I feel dominated by her a lot. We've talked about this, because I think she also feels my attempts at gaining control as also attempts at dominating her, but I feel often like we're 'out of control'. We're both excellent communicators, trying to understand each other, but for some reason we frequently do NOT understand each other! We figure it out and keep going and there is trust between us but we're doing this dance that requires FULL PRESENCE at every communication. I can't be thinking about other things when I'm with her, I have to be 100% in my body or I say something unclear and we end up doing the "What I heard was...." dance. We do that dance a lot. LOL She's subtle in her dominating ways... and we check in with each other frequently and we're honest with each other, so I feel like while this might not be as healthy and helpful as I'd like right now, it has a significant potential to get there because neither of us are shying away from this hard work.

It's interesting. I'm so used to having to pale myself so that others aren't overwhelmed, that to stand next to someone else's light that feels brighter than mine and seeing myself pale just from that, it's a strange, and stimulating, and confusing, and scary, and exciting experience.

Is that... the corner?

I think I'm turning it....

I've slept the last three nights. Last night was a little hairy, I wake up and my brain starts spinning but I am using a couple of techniques (no drugs, I promise) to get back to sleep and it helped last night.

I realize sitting here now that I'm giving this situation a whole lot of power. Not to say it's not a huge experience, but I have felt bowled over, tilled under by it. I'm ready to stand next to it, I think... just stand next to it. That feels better to me.

My friend had some honest words with me and we saw each other yesterday (I really love her), and I promise to fit her in a lot more often than I have. I can 'ugly cry' in front of her and it's okay, and I hope she knows she can do that with me too.

Good things. :D

Funny how things work out

After I wrote that last night I felt... so much lighter. I felt a little guilty too, but mostly I felt lighter. I had a great conversation with a good friend and I felt connected to someone, connected in a way I've been struggling to feel for a while. She wisely said that she couldn't rescue me, and honestly no one can of course, and rationally I know that, I totally know it, but when you're in the darkness stumbling around, sometimes you want someone to come and lead you out. Sometimes being the one to find the door is a lot of damn work.

I knew after my therapy appointment yesterday that she didn't give me anything that would help me immediately but I had a feeling there was something there... not to dismiss the experience out of hand. I knew there was some seed planted, I just had to give it room. I still don't know what it is but this morning I just feel a little better.

Let's see what happens.

I really feel alone, man. I want someone to call me, I don't want to have to call them. I want someone to come over with a plan, to get me out of here and let me talk this all out and cry and grieve. I don't care if that's whiny or what do you call it (my brain is foggy, words escape me frequently)... codependent, yes, that's it. I want to be rescued for once, damnit. Someone help me hold this burden up!

I am feeling lost and maybe it's good, but I'm feeling angry, too. I'm angry that the places I have turned for help have nothing for me. The therapist today was useless. Great, I got to share my story but I had exactly 40 minutes to do it after paper work and disclaimers, so I rush to get the story out so I can get to my question and when I finally ask, "What do I need to do to be able to sleep at night?" All she has for me is a sympathetic look and, "I don't know what to tell you... are you getting enough exercise?" Fucking WEAK, man, weak. Are you kidding me???

I want someone to sit down and make time and space for me to just cry and snot and yell and wonder and NOT to fit it in around errands or whatever. I want that labyrinth walk, I want it privately, with someone else to help catch me if I can't go on.

So yeah I guess I need a firefighter to rescue me from this tower that's burning and that feels weak and girly to me, but for ONCE I don't have all the damn answers and I know I can't do this all by myself but no one else has answers either, no one else has a solution or even time. I want my friends to not be going through their own stuff, their own BIG stuff, which they all are, I want them to all stop what they're doing and hear my heart is fucking broken and I want them to drop everything and come to hold me. But I feel bad asking. I feel *pathetic* asking. I feel pathetic that some of my friends will even read this and think they have to, or they should. I have trouble accepting it. I'm stuck in this. I'm scared of being perceived as weak, or needy. There's someone I know who always has drama, who asks for help constantly and never gives back, who has nothing to give, and she embodies everything I desperately fear people seeing me as... a one way vacuum of energy.

So I think I'm going to go about it my own way, so that it all feels good and I get what I need. I have a plan I just need the time to execute it. It's not complicated. I think it will be really wonderful, and I can wait for it.

I'm hanging on.

My guts

Maybe that's why I'm here, lost in this whirlwind... I keep pulling at my guts, my inner workings, looking for the answer, like I can divine healing in tea leaves. I keep feeling pulled to be up front and loud with every thing in my head but I keep feeling scared... but every day that pull is stronger and I just need to honor it.

Is this the right place? I don't know. I might go somewhere else for a while to get started, start fresh... I don't know. I've revisited this issue time and again as my blog has become public and more public and now family and friends read and I love that, but I think I'm back to being afraid of scaring people with the TRUTH and with my loud self, I'm scared of facing people who've seen that tornado swirling in me and having them not understand. When did that happen??

Maybe I'll just eviscerate myself here, for everyone to dig through my entrails, and fuck anyone who doesn't get it... I don't know yet.

Reconsidering

I'm reconsidering my blog again... I'm unhappy with my self censoring now and how I have to consider all the people who are reading, rather than considering myself. I started this blog years ago to have a place where I could be recklessly honest and I feel that desperate need rising again and I'm just not sure I can do it so publicly, at least not yet.

Still thinking.

It's not that I'm not tired

I'm dragging ASS tired. It's 3am and I can't sleep. I start to sleep and then I start to dream and I dream something that startles me and I wake back up after about 5 minutes. Then it takes me 20 minutes to settle back down because my heart is racing and I keep thinking I hear N, whose nightmares are really stressing me out (not because they're so horrible but because he comes down and wakes me up and sometimes it scares me to have someone standing next to me that I had no idea was there).

I keep waking up because I keep thinking I hear him and I want to be somewhat awake if he comes in my room so I don't startle, because I hate my heart racing.

I realize that it's not him or the startling, it's this over all sense of being somewhat relaxed in my life and then having this whole thing just sneak up on us from behind, and now I'm unsettled in the most fundamental way. I can't sleep. I'm tired, I could sleep if my head would stop, but this last thing that woke me was beeping and there's nothing that could possibly make the sound that woke me! GRRRR So here I am. I'll do this instead until my eyes can't stay open any longer, or until E needs me back in the bed, or until my heart stops racing at every single crack and creak and groan the house and people in it make in their sleep.

I hope it's soon.

Eidie Grey, First Crawl

Eidie Grey, First Crawl
Originally uploaded by R(k)

My sweet girl! Go baby, go!!!

If I just ignore it...

... then everything feels VERY normal. The only time I can't ignore it is when N asks to play outside, then the anxiety-ball returns in my stomach and doesn't go away all day.

Last night I dreamed about earthquakes and my upstairs (where my kids are) falling on the downstairs (where dh and the baby and I are).

Sleep is still hard, I startle awake all night long on the nights when I sleep all the way through. Other nights I wake up for an hour here, hour there.

Tonight I intend to sleep well, and sleep in tomorrow morning. I'll make everyone some blueberry pancakes and then we'll get the hell out of the house.

Things are really good. :)

Sleep

Was awake from 3-5am. Got up at 8:30. No nap. It's 11:30pm and I while I feel a little tired I am not exactly dragging myself to bed.

I hope I sleep all night. It's been a good day, relaxing. I just played on my laptop and held my baby and joked around with my kids all day.

Leaving the house and coming home is still hard.

Circular processing

I called to schedule an appointment with the therapist that N saw, she was great. A therapist answered the appointment line and we chatted for a bit. Apparently my benefits do NOT cover "family therapy", so we couldn't be seen as a family (WTF?!), and she said that therapists tend to not want to see several members of the same family because it muddies the water.... again, WTF? It seems like you'd get a bigger picture of what was going on if you saw multiple people in the family, but whatever. I gave her a synopsis of what happened and how I'm feeling now, and what I think I need, and she's going to see if N's therapist would see me and if not, who she'd recommend based on what I'm looking for.

I've been to this clinic in the past; I call it my 'emotional hooker' because I go in and pay $20 for an hour (cheap hooker right?) to just vomit all my emotional baggage on some stranger who I never have to see again and then I leave. Sex would definitely be less intimate but at the time I needed it, it really served my needs. I just took whoever they booked me with, it didn't matter because I wasn't looking for feedback, I just needed someone to listen and let me bawl. The last person I saw looked rather shocked at everything, it is kind of funny looking back. Come in, sit down, close the door, set the baby down with a toy, and just start bawling uncontrollably and with snot running down upper lip describe all the things I was going through emotionally in estranging from and grieving my father. Hour's up, wipe nose, pick up baby, walk out. LOL!!

So based on that I know I need someone right NOW who won't just sit there and nod her head, but who will ask me questions and help me develop some coping tools. I had a really powerful realization the other day and it helps me sometimes to call Dh and repeat it to him and hear him affirm it: I don't have to have all of the answers, I just have to be strong. And I'm strong, dude. I'm a goddamn diamond. This is probably one of the closest I've ever come to being broken but I am NOT broken, I'm just a little wobbly right now. That's ok. I told the therapist about my inability to sleep a full night, thoughts about everything that I can't stop, this ball of anxiety in my gut all the time, my fear of seeing my neighbors even though they've been great, etc. The "uh huh" sounds she made as she was listening left me feeling that it was all very normal stuff from the things we're going through. I don't have anything against anxiety meds for people who need them - I don't think I do. I think I just need some tools. I think I also need a safe and controlled space to deal with these thoughts (what the hell happened to my child?! Was he scared? Was he coerced? Has he felt guilty all this time because it felt good? Did he feel alone? HOw the fuck did we MISS THIS?!) and find some kind of way to just put some parentheses around them and set them aside. I just don't have the objectivity yet to engage that stuff, I really don't.

I talked with R the other night and cried a little and it was a good release. I was putting N to bed and saw his quilt and just about lost it, he was my little baby and I made this quilt, this little ratty quilt that could only really hold a doll it's so small, but it had all my mother-love in it, all my hopes for his life were sewn into it, and I never dreamed this would happen.

N is still trying to figure out about boundaries with others and I see why kids who have been abused become easy prey for someone else later. He does little things like climbs into my lap for a snuggle and puts his hand on my breast, and I was just moving his hand but now I'm actually having a conversation with him about how that makes me uncomfortable and sends a confusing signal to me about what he wants, and how that might be a signal to someone who ISN'T safe and to be very careful with his body, etc.

Oh yeah, and yesterday I FINALLY had to talk with my kids about what my dad did to me, which was better than I thought it would go but still hard. My aunt called and told me about a huge family reunion coming up in a couple of weeks- family members will be flying in from other states to come- and D heard me talking about it and asked me when I got off the phone if we'd be going. My kids don't know my family at all. They know my aunt because she's really solid and a huge part of my life, they barely know my mom because she's just not around, and they've seen my cousins and aunts and uncles at most once or twice a year, and usually a lot less than that. I want my kids to live in a world where people have healthy boundaries and those boundaries are respected, and where it's safe to say what you think. Being around my family for the most part, you don't really get that. It's just who they are, it's not bad- they weren't raised getting to have healthy boundaries and with the Filipino part of things it makes things a little more confusing (lots of penis grabbing/boob pinching/etc), so along with other complicated aspects, my kids just don't know my family at all. I want them to, though, I really want them to know my family better, and see how huge their family really is. I think they'd be VERY shocked. ;) So my dad will probably be at this function and while we'd definitely see him I think we could easily avoid him, and so I have some things to think about. I always fall back to "I dont take my kids around abusers, period." That really clarifies things. Now my kids know and I asked D what he would do if he saw him and he said he'd just avoid him.

My kids took the information well; they knew I was estranged because he wasn't a safe guy to be around and because he doesn't respect people's boundaries, but they pressed me so I told them that he had touched me and said sexual things to me. D looked really.... sad for me? N's first question was, "Did he ever do anything to me?" which took me aback. I feel comfortable saying no, he was 2yo when we saw Joseph for the last time and he was never alone with him. Whatever happened to N, it had to be at our old house. Anyway- we talked for a bit and I told them both how it seems like you shouldn't tell anyone when something like that happens but that I chose to talk about it openly so that people would be safe. It is all very confusing for them I think, but we spoke easily and then moved on to other things. Total milestone for me. D usually processes for a while and then comes back later with more questions so I anticipate we'll be talking about this again.

Went to a food coop meeting last night and it was really refreshing. I feel (today, right this minute) like I'm moving back into my normal stuff. I slept like absolute shit last night but I know that's temporary.

I'm strong and the answers will come.

Best part of my day

The best part of my day was actually I had a good day, despite the undercurrent of stress and anxiety. I taught a tight, awesome class this afternoon and had my doula partner join me and teach on touch for labor and birth. We have MAGIC when we're together, it is really fantastic and I am so excited that we're going to start teachign together. I really think we'll draw the interest once we put together a class that implements her aspect of intentional/therapeutic touch.

I also realized for my second class which I was feeling somewhat insecure about, that it wasn't that I wasn't delivering the information well, it was that the dad was just exhausted and couldn't keep his focus with what was going on. After the first class I thought, "I'm boring him! None of this is interesting, I'm losing him, and if I lose him, I'll lose her, too.... eeeeek!" I was feeling really insecure about that, despite how well my other series is going (and it's going REALLY well!!!). So tonight I just made sure I had things well organized and ready to go, and it was interesting that some of the activities I did earlier in the day went over differently than they did when I did them with this other couple. I really wish they'd elected to join the group class. Sure it's an extra $25 for me because they went with a private class but having to drive from one end of the county to another in one day, teaching two separate classes (amounting to a full 8 hour day -- and that's just for ONE day of classes) in one day... ugh... not worth it.

So I've heard from a couple of people now that I really should raise my rates- I'm offering a good, well rounded class, and I am actually LOSING money at every class. If I want to continue teachign this can not continue. A part of me trusts that for the classes where I lose money because they aren't full, a full class will come along to balance it out. Just like taking a free doula client will be fine because I know paying clients will come along to help balance out that lack of funds. I totally trust that. I need to look at how much I'm spending on classes though and just do a better job of budgeting so that I'm not in the red after every series. I mean like.. deeply in the red, not just barely, but wayyyy in the red. So I have to figure out how much it costs to teach a series and base my rates on making some dang money, rather than basing it on my insecurity about whether I'm teaching a good class or not.

Down inside the spiral

Ugh, I feel like shit. Ever since that goddamn meeting at my neighbors I'm just barely holding on. I feel like crying all the time, I am anxious all day, I can't sleep or eat!! It's really pissing me off because the last thing I need right now is a goddamn ANXIETY problem.

I'm calling the therapist on Monday. I can't live like this. Every minute that passes with this sick feeling in my stomach and the jumpiness and the inability to function and the anger that's just below the surface is just wasted time.

Taking care

I need to be careful that I don't end up in a position of supporting and taking care of my neighbors. Not that I don't want to be supportive, but right now support is 'finding answers' and I am not willing to do that. I'm not willing to sit down with N. and ask him what he's done with the other kids. In my mind, what good can come of knowing (for us?) I understand the other parents wanting answers if something happened with their kids, but it isn't my responsibility to dig through my son's head and find out for them. I honestly can NOT ask those questions. I've recieved a couple of emails already since last night and I'm trying hard to just be understanding and also have boundaries. I've been asked so many times if 'anything new' had come out about what had gone on and I'm frankly telling people that unless N comes to me on his own and spills something, I'm not asking. I can't.

For once, I won't put myself on the back burner to support someone else; they will have to find it elsewhere, because I can not, and will not do it. I hope they get what they need, I just won't be the one to provide it.

Stages

I'm in the anger stage. I'm really pissed. WHY is this happening to us? There's no answer, shit just happens and you can get up and keep going or fall apart and be stuck.

I just want to shut this shit off and forget about it. I don't want to be grieving. I don't want to have to think about this.

Maybe I'm being dramatic.

Parents meeting

We had our parents meeting tonight. Half of me is inspired and the other half is pissed.

The first part of the meeting was spent by the other mother (who also hosted) going into detail about exactly what happened between Niall and her boys. I had to get up and leave for a few minutes. I am so angry that she did that, she could have easily paraphrased or offered to give more info privately. If she'd been in my home and the roles reversed, I would NEVER have put her through that. So I'm mad about that. I realize she's coping but damnit so are we, and I went from feeling like this is just something that will blow over to feeling like I once again have to defend my son and worry that people think he's some kind of pervert. No one does, of course, but after having to relive that whole thing I guess I'm just feeling... re-traumatized. It'll be fine, I'll get over it.

The good.. no.. great part is that everyone was really cool and really caring about all the kids, we talked about some of the behavior with the kids and some ground rules for all the houses. We exchanged phone numbers and email addresses and agreed that if kids don't listen the first time to basic rules (there has been some "you're not my mom!" stuff going on, apparently), that the kid gets sent home and the parents get a call. If we see something dangerous, obviously the parents get called right away. Etc. I'm sure this will develop as time passes.

I still feel really wacked out after all of this, but life keeps going on whether you're ready or not. I suppose that's a good thing.

For a moment I felt that helplessness I felt the night we found out, when I threw myself against Dh crying, "Why this?! Of all things, why THIS?!" where it feels like the whole world has just become giant blocks that are stacked up and about to fall right on top of you. Just for a moment. The stability of the people who were there was helpful, it's good to know that I don't have to live next to people who hate us or who will be cruel, but it was so difficult to sit there and listen to the things that she was saying about my child. I don't think I'll allow that again. At the very least, I don't have to sit there and listen to it ever again.

Achy uterus

The flow started, thank gods! 7 days of the 'maybe I'll actually bleed, maybe not' is just too long. Now I have 7 days of *actually* bleeding. Hello, body? We work fine now, stop fucking around.


I just saw someone post that they got a positive pregnancy test and my uterus feels empty and lonely. Shut up, uterus!

I love that excitement and I can feel a yearning to have it. To be pregnant is such a special time, the world shifts just a little. I miss that special-ness... but man, I don't miss all the freedom I give up after the baby comes. Don't grow up too fast, Eidie, but don't dawdle, either!

feeling good

It's been a week as of last night and wow, if you'd told me on Sunday that my life would return to normal in a week I would have thought you were smoking some seriously bad crack. (Is there some seriously good crack? Maybe I don't want the answer to that.) I really thought our life was going to change drastically and forever. Sunday a week ago I woke up after having panic attacks in my sleep all night and climbed into the shower and turned on the bath and just was not in my body whatsoever. It was really crazy. Every single day has brought positive progress and now things feel pretty normal. It is truly unbelievable. The fact that what felt like the end of the world a week ago now feels like a turning point, a positive pivotal moment, something that has yielded endless benefits, it's shocking to me but I'm so grateful.

I just stand fully present in my life, gratitude that I am who I am, that I do what I do, that I am loved by those who loved me and that I have the capacity of loving them back. I just never take that for granted for a moment, and this reminds me of how blessed we really are.

The longer I live here the more I love this place. I am loving our land more and more as our gardens grow and our plans come to fruition - I am now bonded tightly with my neighbors, for better and worse, and my kids will have the 'village' I dreamed for them. We have this weird house that needs a little loving attention but once we're able to execute the changes we've planned for it this house I think will be really great. I don't know hwat will happen in five years, if we truly will sell and buy a different house or what- but I'm not in any hurry. We can definitely make this house work for the long haul if we want to.

I've been doing beautiful henna and I'm really proud of it. It comes from my need for process and isn't about recreating something so it's really turning out great. The more relaxed I am the less approval I need from other people, and the more comfortable I feel doing henna for other people. When I felt insecure about it, it came out looking hesitant and weird. Now it's just about doing something beautiful and it comes out beautifully and it just reinforces that I can do beautiful henna.

I'm teaching two childbirth series simultaneously right now and I'm curious to see how that will go. LOL I am really enjoying teaching, I get finished with a class and I feel like I am in my element. I can definitely see where I can learn more about physiology but I think I have a good instinct on how to present info and how to keep them engaged, and when to recognize that we're starting to skip off the surface because we've been sitting too long or whatever. I'm not above letting people out early; it's not a good use of time to sit there and hammer them with information when their eyes are glazed over.

I need to make some flyers up for the birth center to distribute. :)

Life does go on, doesn't it.. it just keeps going, waiting patiently for you to get back with the program. Kinda comforting.

Brokeback and our last week

I haven't seen Brokeback Mountain until tonight (stellar, I have to say!), and there was this moment where after the first time Jack and Ennis are together, and they haven't spoken. Ennis is on his horse and you know he realizes his life will never go back to being what it was- even if he were to pretend it didn't happen and just go on, he could never really make it disappear- he had to start accepting the 'new' reality.

Interestingly, that moment was really poignant for me. We're living now in this world where we know what we know about my son's experience and the consequences of it. I wouldnt' go back to not-knowing because now healing is happening, but something of our innocence was also lost that night when my neighbor showed up at our door. Now we adjust to the new reality.

In the spiral, out of the spiral

I know my son is safe so now I can let go. I expect this will be a very guttural, primitive, raw posting... I feel the labyrinth right now, acutely. I'm deep within the bowels of it, somewhere near the center and I'm fumbling around in the darkness.

My body is holding all this energy and I keep having these sudden and strange sensations. Right now the muscles in my head are locking up and spasming. It's very uncomfortable and intense. I feel VERY short of patience and irritated - just fucking figure it out, why do I have to explain every single fucking detail!? - and then I feel like I'm outside my body and when people talk to me I can't hear anything they say and they have to repeat it. And then I'm so much myself that it seems like I never feel these other things and it's like some kind of demon stepped inside of me and is turning me inside out in vicious glee. How can I be so normal and be so insane five minutes later? Why can't I order coffee from Starbucks without needing to hear it three times to make sure I got everything and then scratch my head in fear that I missed something as I pull up to the window. -- Don't touch me, I don't want to be touched -- and yet my baby is teething and feverish and needs to be held almost constantly.

I can't think straight and I have to teach two class series right now. I am being called north to visit friends who I have not seen in many months, maybe even a year or more, and who I know will hold me if I can just fall apart and let it go.

I feel this tumor of anxiety in my gut and it takes me by surprise as I sit here and eat my pizza like it's any other day and any other person, but this ball appears and I don't know what it is. I feel like I'm having contractions, like my uterus is hardening but it's not my uterus, it's a mystery, like a parasitic twin I didn't know was in there until someone cut me open.

I bit myself today. I used to do this because I felt like I wasn't real. I couldn't really feel things and I would absentmindedly bite myself just to feel something and to know I was real and not just some kind of hologram. When I did it today I was shocked but it was therapeutic, it brought me to the earth again. I am still feeling, oh yesirree, I'm still here and this ball in my gut is really there and now I have to look around at the new Earth and find out what my job is because everything is upside down and orange and gray and black and there's this thread of anxiety across my stomach like a scar.

I arranged for the boys to go to my aunts on Monday night so that R and I can have some privacy to download and be alone and talk without need to stop because a boy walked in or not cry because someone might see. It feels strange to schedule such a chaotic thing - you have 30 minutes to grieve, ready, set GO! - and I hope I can 'perform'.

I don't know what it is, but I feel sick all the time. My body vibrates and pulses and I feel INTENSE hunger and then can barely eat and I'm due to bleed and it wants to start but it won't, and if I could just fucking bleed maybe I could let some of this go and flow out of me along with it.

Neighbors.

I summoned my courage and Dh and I went and talked with our neighbors last night. I won't get into all the details (because they're long and droning when you're not in the room) but we knocked on their door with shaking hands and quivery knees and they invited us in, hugged us and were SO WONDERFUL. They agree that our goal should be a healthy neighborhood for our kids- they share the same vision we do. They are working through their own process in their own way but they seemed grateful that we were taking the steps we were taking. We were able to talk with another neighbor and uncover more information and even though details are hard it is really helping us piece together what probably happened to N.

* Apparently, N said his 'friend' taught him the 'game' they were playing in the woods
* Also, ALL of the kids on the street (except possibly for the girl next door who is 4 and doesn't get to run as freely as the older kids) were a part of a 'club' N started where in order to get in you had to show your genitals. That in itself isn't so alarming, pretty normal kid exploration stuff- he crossed that line with my neighbor's boys by asking for the sex acts but according to the other kids didn't do that with them.
* We are putting together that N was definitely abused/exposed at our old house. We know that he and our next door neighbor would 'pee in the woods', which is N's 'memory' of when things started. From what the neighbors said that their kids told them, N learned the game from his friend, but no one knows the name of the friend. I suspect I do. This is the sweetest boy in the world, and I hope it's not him but it's looking more and more likely that it is.
* This morning N was in my bed again and said he had a nightmare, that he's 'had this nightmare for a long time'. The nightmare was that someone dared him to go into the woods but he didn't want to, and that there was a gate there, and when he put his hands on the knob to open the gate, there was just a mouth :( :( and he fell back into the leaves and then woke up.

So we have a possible 'how' as to how this all got started, a possible 'who', a definite 'when'. We have a context for what the kids here have been doing, AND we have (so far), VERY supportive and understanding neighbors who all want the best for all of our kids!!!!!!!

Yay. Maybe tomorrow I won't have anxiety. I am SO HAPPY. This crazy experience will bond us together as a community; we're planning a parents meeting for early next week where we can talk as a group about everything and strategize how we'll work with the kids in the future.

It's been a hard week but every day it just seems easier and easier. I have to talk to our old neighbor today and let them know what we've learned so that they can look into things at their end. That will be hard, but for once the conversation won't be "I'm sorry my son hurt your child" so I'll take it. We also have to speak with the other two neighbors here whose kids are involved and then start planning the meeting.

Therapy appointment today

Therapy appointment today, we leave in about 30 minutes. Niall seems okay with talking to someone about it, he just doesn't want people outside the family to know. We're being casual about everything.

I'm working on a letter to my neighbors. I would say the bulk of my anxiety comes from knowing I have to deal with them at some point and fearing how they will treat my sweet little guy. I know we're well suited to help Niall and we have the right players in place to work this out, but I can't control what will happen with my neighbors and it terrifies me.

We are definitely doing better every day, we just have some hurdles I think. I am struggling MOST with my anxiety, Niall and Dryden are GREAT, they're the same normal sweet funny boys they always have been. I'm distracted but trying to stay cool.
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Things went great at the therapist, she is really awesome. Dh and I are going to make a separate appointment to see her together but she feels like N is in a good place. He doesn't remember the original event but she feels like with some reinforcement of boundaries that this won't happen again- he is a well adjusted, healthy kid. She said that 9/10 it is a physical event that triggers the acting out, it's rarely something as abstract as a photo or conversation or TV show or whatever. She's not saying that N was abused but she says that with the things we told her that it seems the most likely conclusion.

Tonight I am hoping Dh will go for talking with our neighbor about everything, I just want to simply reassure her that we're here, willing to talk about it, we're not hiding, and just let her know the measures we're taking to make sure it stops. She has to do what is right for her family, whatever that is. I'm almost positive our neighbors know, I've not seen a kid on the street in DAYS.

I think after we talk with them I'll feel better. I want to talk with them so that I can feel better but also so that they know we're not just trying to sweep this under the rug. I just don't want to intrude, yk? I don't mind having a door slammed in my face. It won't be personal, it'll be protecting themselves, and I totally understand that. I am just hoping (my highest vision of possible scenarios) that if we can open a dialogue and keep it open that we together can set the tone to the other neighbors and the boys (all of them) will be supported. I'm holding that light. I'm preparing for the other possible scenarios. We'll see, I guess. I don't know when we'll talk to them, tonight or tomorrow, but I'm hoping for tonight. Rip the bandaid off, so to speak.

It feels insane

that life still goes on. The boys still have chores to do and I still have to change poopy diapers and mediate fights and the boys still laugh and play. We still have to get through each dragging moment. We still have to answer the phone and the same tv shows are on, the same sheets on the bed, the same paint on the house. It's bizarre.

I feel guilty every time I laugh. I feel guilty every time I drive past their house and my head isn't hanging in shame. I feel guilty that my life is still going on, dragging us with it. It feels like we are all frozen in time. I imagine their household and I imagine that mom holding her baby, and him making funny faces and making her laugh, and I wonder if she too feels guilty for laughing.

I think I can talk about it now

My family is in terrible pain right now. Our neighbor came over and told us that my 7yo has been acting out sexually with their boys. We spoke with him and he admitted to the things he'd done and with whom; now it's a matter of healing. I can't describe how devastating this has been. We found out Saturday night and I haven't been able to breathe until today. I can barely eat. I'm anxious and fearful all the time. My 7yo is great and everything we've read/been told assures us that kids act out until they get help and then they stop.

I can't say anything more right now. I just can't write it all out, there aren't adequate words. Feel free to send an email or whatever but I just can't like.... go on and on writing it out right now.

Eidie, 9.5 months

The story evolves

It used to be that I would grab Eidie up and tell her about the day she was born, I would tell her in a sing song voice about how I told her that morning to just "wait until october 1st", and how she decided to come that day just to spite me. I would tell her how she worried us and so the doctor had to take her out of me and how nurses took care of her.

Today (without really thinking about it) I told her how strong she was as soon as she came out, and how patient she was while I figured out how to feed her (it wasn't her issue, it was mine, I just had to learn what she needed). I told her how she let us all fuss over her but how she showed us how strong and amazing she already is.

I think I'm okay with it all now. :) I really do, I think I'm getting there.

it's been an intense couple of weeks (written over a couple of days)

I will happily take a few boring months to make up for all the drama of the last couple of weeks.

The boys got out of school and DH took two weeks off. He is the gardening master, I have to say. He came up with the idea to do straw bale garden and has done 100% of the execution. I'm embarrassed to take credit for any of it. Next year we're going to mow down the existing garden left here by the previous owners (basically a mound of dirt with a fence around it, nothing fancier than that) and have all straw bale gardens. I am really looking forward to it!! I love the idea of a low maintenance garden that I don't have to be on my knees to care for. I love that it will turn into amazing compost through the year! This year we have sugar snap peas, I think four kinds of tomatoes (10 plants... I need a pressure canner!), cucumbers, watermelon, yukon gold and baby red potatoes, carrots, kale, spinach, butter lettuce, sugar baby pumpkins, vidalia onions and corn which I doubt will make it but it's fun to try! - wow that sounds like a LOT. If all goes well we'll have a good harvest. I'm going to plant another layer of sugar snap peas and hope we get plenty all summer long. Next year the straw bale will go much easier; we didn't amend the existing soil at all, figured it was 'still good' from the previous year and boy are we paying for it.

We had an awesome 4th of July. DH had the great idea to have the people we invited bring a dish, but not just any storebought pie or bag of chips- it had to be the thing that they were the best at cooking. Their signature dish, so to speak. It worked out SO great! We ate lovingly prepared food all day and everyone raved about the quality of everything presented. It was just so cool, it was a truly great idea. Then everyone did fireworks for a couple of hours and it was wrap. I stayed in the house during fireworks. Usually I stick it out outside but this year I just went in with E who was very tired but fascinated by the fireworks. I am afraid of the fireworks, honestly- I'm afraid something will tip over and shoot at someone or chase someone or that burning ashes will fall on my head. The crack of fireworks always scares me, I don't know why. Must have died by gunfire in a previous life or something.

I'm struggling to return emails and phone calls right now. I really just don't want to try that hard. I'm stressed out, man. I realize it will pass but I feel like turtling... head slowly backing into shell... being social feels like an obligation right now, rather than something to enjoy. I know once I'm actually in someone's company I'm fine, but summoning the drive to fill up my calendar when it already feels so full is really tough. I'm suffering too, from a self-inflicted wound of feeling insignificant which leaves me feeling just a wee bit sorry for myself. LOL I'm laughing at myself because it's so ridiculous and stupid but yet there it is. I'm feeling jealous of things that other people are good at that I suck at. I hate how helpless I feel in areas where I have no expertise and stressed by the responsibility placed on me to carry it I feel overwhelmed... but it will all totally pass. It's been a really insane couple of weeks and now things will settle a bit. Routine, baby! I just need to ride it out. I knew this summer would be busy and stressful so it's not like it snuck up on me, yk?

My baby is about to turn 11 in a couple of weeks. I can't believe it. I say that every year to every kid's age but the years just pass when no one's watching. I'm so proud of him, he's so genuine and curious and responsible. He's interested in so many things- I fear he'll have the same fate I have, good at many things but expert at nothing at all. I hope he uses all these amazing qualities he has to focus on the things that bring him the most reward and joy (and hopefully allow him to make a living!) because whatever that is will be strengthened by his attention to it.

My cousin Jess had a baby when she was 18; she waited until she was 17 to give herself to someone and chose a druggy who choked her and left her pregnant. She got together with Jacobo who had a daughter of his own from a previous relationship, and they got married and had another baby five months ago. She's 21, he 29 and they had three kiddos under the age of 4. He went to work a few days ago and his boss sent him out for ice because their machine was broken. He went out and got the ice, came back, parked the car, turned it off, and before he could get out of the car, he died. They did an autopsy and as far as I know there are still no answers as to why. So I had to go up to where my family lives and see her. It was all right. She was stoned when I saw her, so it felt really pointless to be there. She's doing really well, she comes from very strong stock that doesn't fall apart easily and that can be a real benefit and just as a big a detriment, but I think she'll be okay. My friends are chipping in for a garage sale at my house to raise some money for her and it feels good to do something that might help, at least for a little while. She's surrounded by family who will happily do whatever they can to help. I'm concerned about Jacobo's daughter because Jess is the only mother she knows, and now her bio mom is aware of his death and is saying she wants her daughter..... Jess doesn't have money for a legal battle and little Eva would basically be taken away by a neglectful drug addict who has repeatedly abandoned her. It's scary; we're that little girl's family and I worry so much she'll be ripped from us just because she can. I guess all we can do is wait and see what happens.

My beautiful sister called me and asked to hang out with me, so we met in Seattle and went to Pike Place and Broadway and hung out together all day. It was really awesome, we've never had so much alone time! We talked; she is not well. She admitted that she's thought several times lately about ending her life and we talked about her stresses and how she's just feeling being on the planet right now. It's a rocky time for her but after seeing her this weekend I have a lot of hope that things will look up. My family had a combination party for my brother's birthday and memorial for Jacobo, and she went and connected. She needed it. She does seem very dark and somewhat angry to me but I'm hoping that with the family around her now, more than they had been previously, it will help pull her out of this. I have the emergency crisis line number I need to give her, too. "Scary" is not the word I would use for how this has all been. Immobilizing, petrifying, shocking, and far too real I think would be more apt. I grew up with my mother's many suicide attempts so I'm somewhat dispassionate when someone says they want to die. I have a hard time believing that they really feel that way and not that they're just wanting attention- which is fine, it's a good way to get attention when you're feeling lost and alone - but after having the experiences with my mom, it's just hard to c