I'm not going to be a midwife

I've made this decision multiple times. I stand by it. I'm not interested in being a midwife. The politics around it alone are enough to kill the desire in me - and yet today I signed up for a midwifery skills lab. What do I think I'm going to do with this skill set? What am I doing, essentially blowing $360?

But I look over what I"ll be learning and I drool. I mean, I have to wipe my mouth because it looks so incredibly delicious. I *want* to know how to do these things. I want to know how to take vitals, palpate for fetal position, check cervical dilation - and it's so funny because I have (and would never) use these skills with a doula client, but I HUNGER to know it.

It's not ego. I don't want to be a "Midwife" with a capital M. I guess I don't know what I *do* want to be, but I have a lot of clarity on what I don't want to be.

I guess I'll keep plucking away and see what happens.