Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Let the games begin!

I haven't written in ages. I haven't felt inspired whatsoever. I've been experiencing many things in other planes of my life that I have just not wanted to share, and not a single one had anything to do with birth.

I actually spent a few days thinking that maybe my season as a doula had finally waned- that after about 7 years, maybe it was time to 'move on'. I had fantasies of what it would feel like to leave the birth community, leaving this sense of responsibility I have to birthing women and to myself, and to the many colleagues I've learned from, loved and even lost over the years. I thought, maybe this is where this ends, and it's not on a bad note. I can move on. I will admit to even having some sense of relief.

I was invited to do henna (my new venture) at a local birth meeting and I told a few of my colleagues who have known me a long, long time about the thoughts I'd been having. I saw a few looks of shock and other looks of commiseration, which in turn shocked me!

Listening to these wonderful midwives strategize the best care for women, the most impactful with the least intervention, and the magical subtleties that happen in that birth space between the child and its new environment, between the mother and child, within the mother herself, between the mother and her partner, the partner and child, and all the myriad finer points in between, I felt something stir... a little spark jumping inside of me.

I left that meeting feeling excited and stirred up once again and I realized that I have been starving the flame of birth work inside myself- I have had a few clients since E was born but they were largely friends or people who just wouldn't take no for an answer, toddler strapped to my back or not, I would be at their births! (By 18 months E had attended 4 births with me!) Beyond that, I have had no interaction with colleagues, the local doula discussion lists have been quiet and hard to wake, I've been to no workshops or seminars or conferences.

I realized that even though I might have a passion for what I do and I KNOW deeply in my bones, within my Spirit, that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing on this earth, that those fires can become starved when they aren't fed. Attending births isn't enough, it is the sharing of ideas, the feedback on interesting clients and births, the outrage at the current state of things, the comraderie with my sisters who are all fighting the good fight in their own ways - that is what fuels me!

So after a long hiatus and some hard questions within myself about who I am as a birth professional, what my boundaries are, and what I am willing to risk to do this work, I return to my blog and hope that the wonderful people who challenged me, held me, and helped me to become the professional I am today, will still come along for the ride. :)