Thursday, May 13, 2010


Sometimes I think I can't really say what I think, feel, discern without pissing someone off. Historically it just seems like this is true. It usually doesn't' matter what I'm saying, how clearly or how objectively I write, someones gonna get pissed. A friend of mine said to me yesterday, "Kristina, how can you avoid being political? *YOU* are political, your very presence is political. Get over it." Oh, well... I hadn't considered that.

I keep feeling that I should just close my mouth and open my eyes and heart. Don't 'get in the way' with what I think. Let my inner silence be my outer silence, and let the thoughts and knowledge and doubts and wishes of others wash over me.

I definitely think that is a wise thing to do, generally. Talk less, listen a whole lot more.

In other cases, I feel like I'm dishonoring myself by not speaking what is true for me. I used to write on my blog prolifically until Dr. HasBeen picked me up and I went through the ringer. Then I went through a couple of things locally, too. Not ever because I was rude, mean, disparaging, slanderous, but because I said *too much*. Interesting. How does one know when one is saying too much until one does it??

My writing has suffered. It used to be a catharsis for me, a place that I could learn and reflect. I would start writing and by the time I was done with a post I had deep clarity, better questions, and usually some direction. Now when I try to write I feel that I must be so careful so as not to rock the boat. I must not write about my experiences with organizations or individuals, no matter how fairly, or to share the amazing gifts I get out of these exchanges, because when ya poke the bees nest you had better be prepared to be stung. I don't like being stung, but let me tell ya, silencing myself hurts a hell of a lot more.

Telling the truth, even if it is only your own truth comes at a cost. Sometimes it shakes the trees of other folks and generally speaking we don't like our trees shaken! I just feel that I was given this voice, this passion, this ability to communicate effectively, to listen and hear all sides - this is all within me for a purpose. I feel that by not sharing what I truly think and feel in the ways that resonate for me and feel good and healthy, that I am almost.. dishonoring these blessings.

I think change is in the wind. I am just tired of worrying all the time about who I'm going to piss off. I'm not co-dependent, I don't know why I'm acting like I am. It doesn't mean I'm on any hunt to target anyone, I'm not. I'm just refusing to filter every single thing I want to write about. Writing used to be a marriage for me, and lately it feels like a hooker I visit now and again, and feel bad about afterward. No more.


BookwormMama said...

Speak your truth, even if it hurts. :] I think someone said that once, just can't remember who. And you need to speak it out loud. People will listen to you! You are a force to be reckoned with!